A while back The Economist released an interesting video exploring the possibilities if countries could migrate like people did. The result looked a bit like an archipelago of islands but succeeded in grouping countries with similar issues, sensibilities, and other common causes. In the same spirit of this story, I’m taking on a problem you likely didn’t know we had: there are simply too many United States.
Why, you ask? Because the current arrangement is woefully inefficient and expensive to operate. Most US governing bodies have serious problems with deficit spending, so this represents a great way to trim the fat while minimizing the impact on the citizenry who pay the bills. It’s also a great way to add some turbulence into the lives of fat-cat politicians, many of which have been way too comfortable (aka ineffective) for way too long.
Disclaimer
This is obviously just a theoretic exercise. It would cause a huge uproar and it would mess with my fond memories of singing songs like “Fifty Nifty United States” as a child. I’m not an expert on these matters, as some of the decisions will vividly show. So don’t take my conclusions personally. If you don’t like said conclusions then feel free to do this exercise on your own.
Feeling good so far? Are you reasonably accepting of the fact that this is a joke and that I’m not trying to overthrow anything? Then away we go!
1. No more directions
This one is easy. Does the world really need two Dakotas, Carolinas, or Virginias? Not at all. Therefore, North and South Carolina shall henceforth be known as “Carolina”, North and South Dakota shall be known as “Dakota”, and Virginia and West Virginia shall be known as… wait for it… “Virginia”. In the interest of preserving intra-state peace, new capital cities will be picked.
2a. The Northeast, Part One
There’s a TON of clean-up to be done in New England and the northeast as a whole, and we’re going to start with the non-colony: Vermont. Having no meaningful way to divvy it up, we’ll just split that down the middle, half to New York and half to New Hampshire.
2b. The Northeast, Part Two
Rhode Island was there from day one, but it’s been the butt of jokes ever since because it’s no more an island than I am. This logistical error shall finally be rectified by annexing it to Connecticut. After all, it’s just Connecticut’s poorer brother anyway.
2c. New York, New York, New York = New York?
Why, exactly, is New York City related to New York State? The only part connected to the mainland state is the Bronx, as the rest is a series of islands. The majority’s gotta rule on this one, so Manhattan and Long Island shall keep the name New York as a state, while the landmass that places like Yonkers, Albany, and Buffalo reside on will be renamed to something else at a time to be determined later. (No, I’m not going to call it “Old New York”.)
Actually, on second thought…
2d. Enough with the farce
The states that make up the northeast have a combined land mass of about 16 city blocks, so maintaining distinct states is woefully expensive and unnecessary. Thus, everything from The State Formerly Known As New York and up shall simply be called New England. The state areas shall be preserved as boroughs with certain elements of limited local government, but the heavy lifting will be consolidated. The savings will be enormous, and the tourism opportunity immense. A new capital city shall be erected somewhere near the middle of the territory.
3. The Great Colonial Clean-Up continues as we go south
New Jersey shall become part of Pennsylvania, seeing how most anyone in Philly with the means owns a place on the Jersey Shore as it is. Delaware and Maryland shall get annexed onto Virginia. Washington, D.C. shall also become part of Virginia, so the nation’s greatest concentration of people with cushy government jobs can stop whining that they have taxation without representation.
Side note: I didn’t intend for Virginia to make out like a bandit in all of this; it just turned out that way.
4. Addition Through… Addition
Up to now this re-alignment has been all about removing unnecessary states, but there are some cases where new states are very much needed. First and foremost: California. It’s too big and too powerful, so we’re going to cut it into three parts. About the only things Los Angeles and San Francisco have in common are traffic and earthquakes, so why fight it? So-Cal shall keep the name California, as Los Angeles is more populous and it provides continuity with Baja California and the Gulf of California in Mexico. Anyone who’s ever been to Silicon Valley knows they are in a land all their own – their heads are, at least – so we’ll establish a diving line from Big Sur, cutting through Yosemite, and on to the Nevada border. This new state shall be known as Pacifica, pending the outcome of any votes held on the subject that surely promise to make a San Fran zoning approval look tame and efficient by comparison. Finally, since most towns north of Eureka have more in common with Oregon than the rest of downstate Cali, it shall be transferred to Oregon outright, along with much of their fabulous national parks. Salem will give the locals stronger representation in government than Sacramento ever allowed.
5. The Republic of Cook County
Chicago is the de-facto capital of the Midwest, and anyone living south of I-80 in Illinois feels like they live in a whole other state that happens to share the same name, all the while resenting the fact that the megalopolis to their north has way too much sway over their lives. So we’re going to carve out a new state in north-east Illinois called Chicago. We’re going to lump southeast Wisconsin and the Milwaukee metro area in there as well, as well as northwest Indiana, as the economies of all of these areas have lots of similarities. Besides, even though everyone in the region is proudly from their own locale, nobody else in the country seems to understand that, let alone care.
Since Illinois as a state is bankrupt we’re going to treat it like a business and dissolve it. The northern half goes to Iowa since they’re farmers as it is, and the southern half gets split between Missouri (because they’re Cardinals fans as it is) and Indiana (because both are boring yet well-managed). This will put the vast majority of Illinois’ politicians out of work, but seeing how they are the creators of the mess that state is in this won’t be any great loss or consequence.
6. The Real North
Wisconsin and the upper peninsula of Michigan will be annexed to Minnesota. This solves potential economic issues for Wisconsin due to losing its main economic engine to the new State of Chicago, and connects the Yoopers with the rest of their fellow Packers fans. Perhaps most importantly, it lets the good, polite people of the Twin Cities get the recognition as “Capital of the North” that they’ve been craving for so long. (As if their phone book needed yet another page of Carlsons.)
7. Big Empty States
Idaho, Montana, and Wyoming are big and beautiful places, but their combined populations could fit into a minor league baseball stadium. Such inefficiency will never do, so they shall all be combined into a new state simply called Big Sky. Based on precedent established earlier, Idaho should have control due to having the most people of the three, but the state known for potatoes doesn’t have as cool of a nickname as Montana’s.
8. Get in the Cellar!
Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and the northern part of Texas shall be a single state known as Tornado Alley until a proper, permanent name is selected by referendum. The tight concentration of schools with Division 1 football programs might necessitate this state getting its own college sports conference. The capital will be based in a mobile home and will move frequently, depending on where the twisters take it. The economic capital will be the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. According to politician, comedian, and notable Texan Kinky Friedman, “real Texans” don’t consider Dallas part of Texas anyway.
Note: Texas will get diced up for the same reason we diced up California: it’ll have too much power and influence for any one state if left unchecked. This will also save Texans from being referred to as “the new Californians”, which would be an even bigger insult that being accused of coming from Dallas.
9. The South Will Rise
Quick: name the difference between Alabama and Mississippi. Yeah… I couldn’t do it either. The mere act of joining these states together won’t solve this problem, so we’re gonna lump in Arkansas and eastern Texas in there as well. This will also stop those “real Texans” from complaining about people from Houston, their new favorite target now that Dallas is no longer their concern. (These people need to quit complaining about everything!) We’ll throw Louisiana in for good measure, since it’s now quite literally surrounded. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The South 2.0, now with the economic might of Houston, the cultural influence of New Orleans, and the natural beauty of the Ozarks in Arkansas. What’s not to love!
10. The Southwest
In between Arizona and Texas lies New Mexico, the state that currently owns the dubious distinction of being the biggest mooches of federal government resources. (Seriously: they get something like $1.40 in federal resources for every $1.00 they contribute.) It’s obviously a state that needs some help, so help it we shall: half goes to Arizona, half goes to Texas.
11. Square Crime
The late great George Carlin once had the idea of turning Colorado into a prison colony because it would be easy to fence in due to its square shape. Recent legislative events have left Colorado redefining the expression “Rocky Mountain high” so we’re going to have to look one state over for our colony, to Utah. It’s not a perfect square but it’s still geometrically attractive, and the straight-laced people of Salt Lake City will get our nation’s hardened criminals rehabilitated right quick.
12. Cheer For Your Las Vegas Isotopes!
Nevada will largely be left alone, however Yucca Mountain is moving forward. Sorry, Harry Reid, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. This is in the interest of national security, as keeping spent nuclear fuel all over the rest of the country poses an unacceptable risk to the general public. In return, Major League Baseball will be obligated to grant Las Vegas a baseball team and the federal government will bankroll the development of Elon Musk’s Hyper-Loop between Vegas and Los Angeles.
13. It’s time to ___ or get off the pot, Puerto Rico
It’s time for Puerto Rico to make a decision on statehood: either vote for it and start paying taxes like everyone else, or decline- in which case you shall be auctioned to one of the fellow nearby island nations. The free ride is over. Oh, and Guam: you’re in, too- no vote necessary.
Conclusion
There you have it, a re-aligned United States, designed and optimized for another 247 years of global leadership. Only 32 states (or 33 if Puerto Rico votes to join), a far more manageable amount.